Thursday, May 21, 2009

Topeka, KS

We continued our travels out of Texas and into Oklahoma. Nothing stands out in my mind in particular about that part of the trip, save when we passed through Clinton, OK which bore a obscenely huge sign on the outskirts of town declaring it the "HOMETOWN OF TOBY KEITH!!!"


Anyway, on into Kansas. If you've never driven through Kansas and talk to someone who has, you'd probably hear:

"Near my home there used to be a beautiful lake, but then it was gone."

"Did the lake dry up?"

"No, it just wasn't there anymore. Nothing was there anymore. Not even a dried up lake."

"A hole?"

"No, a hole would be something. Nah, it was nothing. And it got bigger and bigger. First there was no lake anymore and then finally, no rocks."

And that's Kansas.....


After some searching online after our arrival on the lot, I found there was one bar/club called the Wild Horse Saloon (complete with the tagline "Where Topeka comes to Party") right down the street from the arena. Everything else seemed like creepy ass old dude bars. It was a Wed night and the club was having their weekly "Poor Broke Redneck 3 Ring Circus" night. Yeah, buddy. B and I of course HAD to check THAT out. I like to think it was a good and bad thing I had forgotten my camera. Bad insomuch that we saw very unsettling things that would've been great to document. Bad insomuch that we saw very unsettling things that would've been hard to function enough to document.

After parking at the place, we met the door guy who apparently had several bales of hay up his ass. After refusing B's ID since it was falling apart and staring at mine for several minutes before declaring it a fake we had second thoughts about wasting an evening there. Eventually Mr. Bale-Ass said he would 'let me slide' with my Valid PA ID but we had to go back and get B's passport to gain entry.

It seemed redundant for the club to have their huge Dress Code laundry list as everyone was either dressed like a cowboy or like a...well Kansasan I guess.

'Ring 1' was Beer Pong. Not that exciting.

Before the 'Ring 2' festivities got underway we saw at least two all-out drunk girl faceplants as they descended from the dance floor, one 'dude picks up chick then runs with her across the dancefloor....and faceplants', and one 'dude picks us chick then runs with her across the dancefloor plowing in to a couple who is actually dancing'. Not bad. Oh, and apparently all the girls come to the club with their moms to hang out and drink in Topeka. Weird.

'Ring 2' was the 'Gold Digger' contest which was hosted by a young, slinky, mouse-like dude with a molester stash playing the role of Ringmaster. Like Kid-Rock meets Steve Urkle.

Girls were selected from the crowd to paw and root (I swear I heard some snorts) through various troughs of dirt and filth looking for 'prizes'. It was like watching a redneck version of a Double Dare Physical Challenge. The girls were all used to farm life or something because not a one made any real effort to clean themselves off after rooting around like hogs sniffing truffles and just went back to drinking their beers. Bleh.

Between 'Ring 2' and 'Ring 3' we began to notice the schizophrenic nature of the DJ who would play such endearing classics like 'Crazy Bitch' screaming into the mic trying to get the crowd pumped up....and then immediately transition into several country ballads. From there it would be hip-hop night for a song or two before reverting to a medley of country tunes.

The second most 'WTF' moment of the night was when the DJ started up 'The Twist'. The Twist is a song where the name of the tune is the dance that you do to the tune, right? Not in Kansas. No, in Kansas you line dance to the twist just like it was any other shitty song that people line dance to....and you continue the same line dance as the song switches from 'The Twist' to 'Great Balls of Fire'. Watching people line dance is like listening to Reageatone. There's never any need to do it.....ever. I guess what I don't get is that while everyone on the floor is doing their little dance, not one of them is smiling or even remotely looking like they're having a good time. Everyone is concentrating so hard on facing the right direction and stomping the ground at the right time to have fun with it. I don't get it.

But whatever. 'Ring 3': The 'Sexy' Shower contest.

Sounds hot, right? Just remember where we were and what we had already witnessed.

The shower was this dirty, stand alone contraption they dragged out onto the dance floor. The water came down then recycled back up the side of the thing and came down again....and again. Disgusting.

The contestants (many of the classy gals who were on all fours rooting through dirt and filth earlier in the night), clad in their typical barely there wet t-shirt contest shirts were hurriedly chugging down their $1 cans of Natty Ice and dragging heavily on their cigs before waddling over to the shower beaming (no pun intended) with anticipation for the attention they were about to receive. We lasted 30 seconds which is probably about how long someone rubbernecks at an accident scene. Twas a site best left to our scarred memories and not shared with the world at large....

The shows were fine, and after the last one Steve and I hitched up right away and shoved off for Colorado.

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